New Holiday Tradition

I love looking at Christmas decorations but don't like how commercialized the holiday has become. I can't remember the last time I had a tree for Christmas or decorated the house. Christmas was not a big thing for us when I was growing up at home, nor with the ex and certainly not when I was single. It wasn't a big thing with Larry and I either. We didn't exchange gifts after the first year so we did a minimal amount at Christmas and usually went to Laughlin, NV over Christmas.  About the only thing we decorated was Morris's tree house... My counselor has been talking to me about the need to "establish my own traditions". So for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm decorating the house for Christmas.

A friend, who LOVES to decorate for Christmas is helping me. I've always admired her tree and all the presents under it.  Little did I know that they were just empty boxes.... Since I didn't have many decorations, I've spent a fortune on decorations. I used what few we had and then it was decisions, decisions, decisions. I have shopped every place for artificial trees and now know all about the number of tips and lights. This is the corner of the living room where the tree is beside the fireplace. I'm still not happy with the coffee table and dining room table so we are going to work on those tomorrow.  The one tree that we did have was a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree that Larry loved!  It's in the kitchen next to his picture on a bookshelf for Christmas. I'm really lucky that Morris is not interested in the ornaments.  He looks every new box over and sniffs it before walking off and leaving them alone. The bottom picture is of Morris on the entry table. I was in the office and when I came out, there he sat looking like a statue. He sat there for awhile and then hopped off as "no big deal". I'm enjoying sitting in the recliner at night with him on my lap while watching TV or reading and looking at the lights and decorations. So a tradition begins....One Day At A Time.

Last Thanksgiving

 I can't help but thinking of last Thanksgiving when Larry was in the hospital. We had known he had cancer for 2 days and were still in shock. The good thing was that after the diagnosis, he was soon moved to a private room which was very nice. Dr Whittman, Larry's kidney doctor for 6 years, came by to see us on Thanksgiving morning and stayed about an hour - we just chatted.  He was really bummed out about Larry's diagnosis and we had become friends during those 6 years.  Some friends came by in the afternoon which was the first time Larry would allow outside visitors - he didn't want them to see him sick or feel he had to entertain them. In the meantime, we talked about what we were thankful for and in spite of the cancer diagnosis, there were a lot of things. Such as his health after the kidney transplant, me qualifying as the donor, the trips we had taken and the memories we would always have - it was all bittersweet in lieu of what we were facing.  However, we knew that even if we didn't beat the cancer, we had had a good life and I would have those memories. It's tough to remember those days and read the blog from last year but it does make me realize that "life truly does goes on" and sometimes it's best to just live "One Day At A Time".

A year ago....

Last Nov 18th, Larry got up that morning and complained of his left arm being a little numb and assumed that he had slept on it wrong.  We went on about the day doing laundry in the morning and then going to Penny's for some shopping. After shopping was lunch and I asked him about his arm.  He said it was still numb.  We talked over possibilities and agreed that if it wasn't better when we got home we would go to the emergency room - just in case. In the back of our mind was the possibility it might be a small stroke or something.  We got home, unloaded the car and headed over to the UMC emergency room around 2:30 in the afternoon. We walk in and tell the front desk what is going on and they immediately rush him back and hook him up to an EKG.  I was left out front to do paperwork, etc.  I get back there by the time the EKG is finished and am relieved to hear that the heart is fine. UMC had opened their new emergency room are less than a year ago and I must say it was far superior to any emergency rooms I have seen in the past.  To start with, each patient has their own room - no beds with a curtain drawn around it. So we get to a room since they want to figure out what is causing the arm to be numb. Labs are drawn, x-rays are done and a C-T scan of the head is done. He has complained about headaches for the last several months but would take some Tylenol and they would go away. We just never imagined the headaches were more than "just a headache". About 8 p.m. one of the doctors comes in and informs us that there are several tumors in the brain.  He takes us over to the computer screen and shows them to us. I counted 8 but he said there were some we couldn't see that were in other places of the brain. They were very quick to let us know that these could be caused by a multitude of things including a virus infection. They were so reassuring at this point that we did not panic.  Part of it was because Larry had already been through so much with the transplants and we knew there are all kinds of virus's you can get when the immune system is suppressed. It was like, "O.K., give us a pill, we'll go home and everything will be fine." They wanted to keep him in the hospital to run more tests the next day so late that night I came on home. 
Little did we know that that was the beginning of our world coming apart. I liken it to being  up around 50,000 feet in an airplane, something happens to the plane and it starts a spiral to the ground that will eventually lead to a crash because nothing can be done to stop it.  In some ways it doesn't seem like a year has passed and in other way, it has been the longest year of my life. One thing I sure have learned this year and that was to take it One Day At A Time.

Epiretinal Membrane

Bet you are wondering what an Epiretinal Membrane is? Well....let me educate you. I went in last month for my yearly eye exam.  I have a cataract that he is keeping an eye on plus I could tell on the trip that my eyesight wasn't as good as it has been.  A good indicator for me is reading freeway signs in places where I don't already know what they say. So after the exam and trying to correct my eyesight with glasses, he tells me he can only correct it to 20/50 and last year he could correct to 20/30. To him, that meant there was a problem.   So he did the dilation, which I hate, and then looked inside the eye with the fancy machine. Turns out that I have developed  an Membrane on the macular in my left eye. It is also know as a Macular Pucker. There is a thin membrane growth over the macular and the membrane can get squished into kinda of a corrugated cardboard design hence "Macular Pucker". There are a lot of illness that can cause it and sometimes it just happens. I'm in the "just happens" category since I'm not diabetic, high blood pressure, etc category. It doesn't cause out-right blindness but things get really blurry and distorted.  When it gets to a point, they can do surgery on it but the risk is much greater than for cataract surgery. In the meantime, I got 3 new pairs of glasses with the new prescription - regular, computer and very dark sunglasses - lots of $$$$.  We wait 6 months and recheck it again to see if it is to the point they start considering surgery. It might stabilize where it is or could get worse.  As for the cataract in the other eye, I'll probably need surgery within a year on that one. It certainly was not the routine eye exam I expected!

Life goes on.....

Yes, I know I haven't written on the blog for over a month and thank you for your patience. I just needed a break after writing so much on the trip plus it took me awhile to get rested up from the trip. So I will try to get back to normal and cover the topics I've been saving up. 8-)
Penny's was running a special this month of free pictures so I decided to have one done. I do all the taking so have very few pictures of just me and truth be told, I avoid having my picture taken when all possible.  However, I gave it a try.  When I looked at the proofs, my first thought was "I'm smiling".  After loosing Larry, I  thought I would never be able to smile again but now I have proof I am. To me the picture is the symbol of "Life goes on...", the heart and mind somehow copes with what happens and we truly do do back to living. It's kinda tough right now since I'm coming up on that dreaded "1st year anniversary" of Larry getting sick, hospice, passing on, etc. I was in the Hallmark store today and was buying Christmas cards. I had a really hard time with the tears because I kept thinking about the cards we sent out last year that had the happy picture of us on it. I rarely go back and read anything I've written on the blog and I certainly did not re-read anything I wrote last year when he was sick, etc.   However, I printed them out today and plan to read them on the day they were originally written. Why? At the time, so much was just a blur and even though it will be painful, I want to re-examine what all happened. I know it will be painful but am hoping for some healing to come from it also. Eleven months later, it's still One Day At A Time...