Good Week!

This week was so different that the week before and boy did I need a nice, calm week. I have found out the hard way how exhausting emotions and grief can be. But, the skies are blue again and I'm enjoying not having the extra burden of special anniversary dates. 
Again, I leave in 4 weeks on the Calif trip and have not done the route or any hotels. With Larry, it would have all be done a month ago..  However, I plan to get most of it done this weekend - or at least that is my plan. It is going to be such an emotional trip and I'm doing some very careful planning to "take it easy on myself" where I can without feeling guilty.
I'm drowning in exercise or at last it feels that way for a couch potato. 8-)  I see the physical therapist 2 times per week, have to do exercises for my left hip/knee/ankle 2 times every day and go to the gym at least 3 times a week for the trainer.  It isn't anything new with the knee since for it has been extremely painful when I would go up or down steps and put my weight on the left knee for around 10 years.  It's just that in the last few months/weeks, it has started being "uncomfortable" when I walk very far, or sit very long with my knee bent. They don't expect it to clear up but feel it can be less painful on stairs. Amazing what happens to the body when those birthdays accumulate...
It was interesting today while I was on the treadmill at the gym and Larry's favorite song came up on my iPod.  His very favorite song was Meatloaf's Two Out of Three Ain't Bad. Back in Jan/Feb, when I first started walking to Starbucks again by myself, it would come up and I would cry all the way home. About three weeks ago, it came up on the iPod at the gym and I had to work really hard to not cry although there were tears in my eyes.  Today, it was just a hugh sadness while I listened to it and in my mind could hear him singing along with it and the hand movements he would make on certain phrases. Sooooo, my counselor would say that I'm making progress. But it's still One Day At A Time....

On to another week....

I woke up this morning with a big sigh of relief that the weekend was over and I made it.  It was the hardest time I have for a few months with all those milestones dates coming so close together like they did.  Hopefully, I will have a breather now for a few weeks until I head up to Northern California in late June unless something comes up that I'm not expecting. I saw my counselor today and she was very complimentary on how well I made it through. Even though I know it, it is really sinking in that Larry is gone and I'm still here so must rebuild a life for me whether I like it or not - it's reality and I can't change it. Slowly but surely I'll get it done One Day At A Time....

I made it through the weekend...

Well, the weekend isn't quite over but it's 4 p.m. on Sunday so I think I've made it......  It has really been tough this weekend - since last Thursday.Today,  I couldn't help thinking about the day of the transplant 4 years ago. I woke up at 5 a.m. today which was about when I got up that morning.  I wanted to get to the hospital so I could see Larry in his room before I had to be down at surgery by 6:30 a.m. The morning today continued that way - thinking about what I was doing when until about 8 a.m. when I went in for surgery. By now on that day, we were back in our room and I was clutching my morphine button while he was up walking around. I just had to get out of the house this morning so I went to the gym for awhile - at least it was cool there.  Then I went over to Peppi's House and looked at the tiles for Larry with his name on it. I would look at the picture oof Larry n my iPhone and then look up at "In memory of........".  It was just so hard to believe.  I set there under a tree for awhile and just remembered before coming home. I felt much better when I got home than when I left so I guess I did the right things. Hopefully this coming week will be better. My next big hurdle, as far as I know, will be when we do his ashes on July 2nd. I'm not looking forward to it at all but yet will be glad to get that hurdle behind me.  One Day At A Time..

Tough Day

Yesterday was tough and today is not much better. In grief counseling, they spend a lot of time talking about "significant days/anniversaries" because those are hard to get through - especially the first year. Yesterday (the 18th) was 6 months from the day that Larry had his first symptoms and went to the hospital. The 18th of the month had not particularly bothered me the last few months - it was more the 17th which is the day he passed away. However, for some reason the 6 month anniversary has really been emotional and hard for me.  It was the "day the music died".... The day that began the end of our dreams, hopes, companionship, trips and memories together. We stepped on a slippery slope that day at the hospital and didn't like what we found at the bottom when it ended 4 weeks later. I just keep hanging on to the wonderful memories I have of our time together and hard as it is, it gets me through One Day At A Time. 

Dorado Country Club Estates, the neighborhood we live in, has undertaken a landscaping project near the entrance. Several people are donating trees in memory of loved ones who have passed away. So, this is "Larry" who has been joined by Harvey and will soon be joined by Vern and Mary Ann - all people that Larry knew who passed away before he did. The tree is a Desert Museum Palo Verde with  lime green bark and tiny, bright yellow flowers.  When in full bloom, it is just beautiful with the blooms totally covering all the branches. We were able to pick from several desert-friendly trees and I went with the Palo Verde since it was a favorite of Larry's when it was in bloom.

Emotional Storm Clouds on the Horizon

This is an emotional weekend for me.... It was 5 months ago tonight that Larry passed on.  It was 6 months ago tomorrow that he went to the hospital with the first symptom. And...it will be 4 years ago on Sunday that we had the kidney transplant.  The transplant is bothering me the most right now...... That was our big celebration day since it changed our lives so much. We would reminisce and go out to dinner to celebrate it's success.  Today I went down to Tubac and got a couple more Pandora charms for the necklace. Not sure yet what I'm going to do on Sunday. I'll probably go out to Saguaro Park early in the morning, feed the little squirrels and reminisce... I realized this week, when I was thinking about the transplant, that when we scatter Larry's ashes in July that I will also be scattering a bit of mine (the kidney).  Not very many people ever do that...  This weekend it is definitely One Day At A Time...

Cooking for one, etc

It is really, really hard to cook a meal for one person.  I'm not talking about putting a frozen entree from the supermarket in the microwave but actually cooking a meal from scratch. I ate most of my meals out the first 3 months afte Larry passed away.  I was o.k. with cooking a good breakfast from scratch but forget the rest of the meals - easier to go out. But...that gets old after awhile. I used to cook for one before I got together with Larry so I know it can be done. I got out of the habit and can't seem to get the method back. I've been thinking about the foods I would cook for the 2 of us and deciding which ones can be done for one person. I'm not big on left-overs so that rules some foods out. I ordered a couple of cookbooks that are for "Cooking for One" so will see what they have in them that looks good. Eventually, I'll get back to doing it but it's another thing that I'm dealing with. Tonight for dinner I fixed a recipe from the cook book for my sister-in-law that I'm working on. I had asked her how she fixed fresh green beans since I can never get them to taste like what my mother cooked.  So I tried her recipe and it is pretty darn close to how I remember them tasting from my childhood.
I went to the gym today and am proud of myself for doing it.  It is hard to do without Larry. I was just slowing the treadmill down since I was done with it when Larry's favorite some came up on my iPod.  So....I finished the song and tried to keep the tears in check which I was barely able to do but I made it. The experts keep telling me it gets easier and I sure hope it does. In the meantime, it's One Day At A Time....

Larry's Tile

As you may remember, back in February, I said that I was having some tiles added to the Memorial Wall at Peppi's House as part of a contribution to them and in memory of Larry.  Peppi's House was so wonderful and they do such an amazing job of taking care of both the patient and the patient's family.  Also, I wanted something permanent of him here and it didn't make sense to have a headstone since he was cremated.  So.... I decided to go with tiles with his name on them. I got an email yesterday that the tiles were going to be installed today so I went over there just as they were finishing up. Santa Theresa Tile Works, here in Tucson, has done all the tile work on the wall and that is who I worked with to come up with an idea and then they custom made the tiles.

Susan, the artist, putting the finishing touches to Larry's tile.

This is a close up of the Memorial Wall. The purple arrow is pointing to two small tile groupings that are the ones for Larry. The wavy line across the bottom represents a river and a poem is written across the blue tiles.

After looking at the wall and talking to the artist, we decided to go with desert animals since Larry so enjoyed the animals that come through the golf course and in our yard. The above tiles are 2 javalinas and a prickly pear cactus. Right beneath the cactus are some rocks.

Larry never got tired of seeing the gambel quail that inhabit the area. They can have 10+ babies at a time.  We would see the family crossing the street or passing through the yard with mommy in front, followed by all the babies and then daddy at the end of the line. The babies are so small and their little legs would just be a churning trying to cross a road. Sometimes we would have the whole family in the yard,  underneath the bird feeder, eating the seeds that had fallen on the ground.

So.....there will always be something in Tucson with Larry's name on it and in his memory after I move from the area. One Day At A Time...... and today was special when I looked at the wall and saw his name there and the animals that brought him so much pleasure.

Things are looking up...

So far this week, things are improving!  The new garage door was installed on Monday and it working great - should be for what it cost....  Roof is fixed - I hope but won't know until we get a heavy rain.
I started my new class yesterday.  It is 1/2 day on Tuesday for 6 weeks. The class is on National Security and has a speaker each week. This week it was a Border Patrol agent and hearing what they go through was really interesting.  He had pictures, etc and he was on the 1st year of National Geographic TV show Border Wars. The rest of the speakers will be military - from cyber warfare to a drone plane operator. The classes are through the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute which is part of the University of Arizona. I'm looking forward to their fall schedule of classes and see what they will be offering.  I have learned that for me, as much as I enjoy my hobbies,  a class really helps my mental state and gets me out of the house.  My hobbies are mostly at home  on the computer except for being out taking pictures. I have new, different things to think about when I'm in a class. Tomorrow I am doing a one-time afternoon class on writing a biography.
 A couple of years ago or less, Larry and I went to the gym 4-5 times a week. But I got sick, then he got sick, then this and then that came up and we quit going. Instead we would walk the neighborhood. I haven't done very good at keeping the walking up, mainly too painful by myself, and now it's too hot. So...I went back to the gym today and reopened my Silver Sneakers membership. I also got set up with a personal trainer for 2 months. I'm a big stress eater and goodness knows I have had enough stress since Larry got sick back in November. Last week the doctor gently reminded me that I'm going to have to deal with the weight and get to exercising if I want to feel better physically.  The biggest problem is that I HATE, HATE exercising but know I should. But like other things, One Day At A Time..

Bummer day...

The good news is that I don't have as many bummer days as I did a few months ago.  The bad news is that not only am I having one today but Morris is to....  I think mine stems from just having a bum week when I had to deal with so many things that Larry used to take care of.  Such as....replacing the outside hose on the patio that looked like a fountain when I turned it on to spray off the patio, the faucet that was an even bigger fountain due to a washer that had worn out, a hose reel card that the handle broke off when I turned it, having the roof fixed after a leak last fall during the last monsoon that we never had the chance to fix before Larry got sick and finally....the garage door.  They came out yesterday and it will cost 50% of a new one to fix it so I just ordered a new one. When the cable broke last Friday afternoon, the door lowered crooked taking out some tracks, breaking hinges and rollers along with it. Hopefully they will get the new one in tomorrow. However, in the meantime, I have to park outside in 95 degree sun.....   And then today...Morris was sick on a cloth desk chair (not mine!) and on the floor sometime late yesterday or last night but I didn't see it until this morning just before I set in it.  He laid around all day and is just now (3:30 p.m.) starting to be friendly.  So...bummer!!!!  But.....tomorrow starts another week and we will take it One Day At A Time...

Flamingo Party

Can't believe it is Friday already - where has the week gone!  When I got home from my trip last week, I opened the garage door and immediately saw a plastic (below) covering on the door leading into the kitchen. Then I get in the kitchen and see all these paper/plastic flamingos around. Of course Morris demanded my immediate attention and while scratching his ears, I looked around and there is more stuff in the dining room. Some friends had come over the day before and decorated the kitchen and dining room with everything they could find in stores that had pink flamingos on it. Why pink flamingo's? It's a long story that involves the HOA.... Let's just say "pink flamingos and trailer parks".... There was a note on the table saying "When's the party?"  Last Monday, we did our Flamingo Party.  There is actually a Pink Flamingo bar drink which we tried and immediately cut with pink lemonade since the original one is pure alcohol and too strong for us. It was a fun evening and coming home to that certainly took away my sadness about coming home from a trip and Larry not being with me.

This covering on the door was my first clue that the Flamingo Patrol had been in the house.

I just couldn't believe what all they found with pink flamingos but here are the glasses and straws. We had paper plates, napkins, cups, center pieces, all kinds of things tucked in with plants, etc. Even a large flamingo hanging on the laundry door.

Morris kept trying to sneak some shrimp off our plates so I just gave him his own plate and he joined us while we were eating.  A fun evening with good friends who have gotten me though these last 5 months!