On A Personal Note...



Today I'm going to go back to talking about the giant sink hole that I fell into when Larry died and my attempt since them to climb out of it. I've been in it for 18 months and 1 week.  I'm not out of the hole yet but sure am a lot closer to the top that I was. As someone said, "You don't get over it, you just learn to live with the hole in your heart." I don't count weeks or months anymore - I just happened to make a note of 18 months for last Monday.

On my last visit with my grief counselor before I left Tucson last month, she gave me an assignment for the summer. She knows by now how organized I am and that I cannot tolerate the feeling of "just drifting like a leaf in a stream". Based on that, my assignment was (1) Do my own Bucket List - not the one that Larry and I had done. What do I want to do? Go? See? (2) What do I want my life to look like in 2 years? She wanted 5 years but that is too far for me so I will work with 2 years. I'm to set goals and get specific. So I have been doing a lot of thinking while driving, walking a trail, visiting a garden, etc. I'm sure the 20 hour drive back to Tucson will give me more thinking time.
Back in 2011, before Larry got sick, we were discussing moving from Tucson. I never thought he would get tired of the desert being the "lizard" he was who loved the heat and sun but he was tired of the rock and cactus.  I never liked the heat of the desert but could tolerate it as long as there was good air-conditioning. I had grown to dislike rock and cactus even more than he did - maybe it was growing up in the Midwest with greenery and trees. Our trip to Little Rock that summer was to decide if that is where we wanted to move to. We liked it but were still looking when he got sick. We had planned to move in the fall of 2012. So....I feel my wanting to move has his blessing since that is a plan we made together. Leaving my dear friends in Tucson is the only hard part of leaving. 
A couple of months ago a friend passed along a quote by another widow in which she said "I am overwhelmed by the presence of his absence".  That perfectly summed up my feelings. I had not realized how much his presence was with me in Tucson and not always in a positive way.  He is still with me here in KC but it is different - not overwhelming , just a good memory of our wonderful life together.  Here in the apartment, I don't see him in his  recliner. I don't see him sitting at this desk next to mine in the office. I don't see him sitting across from me at the table in the kitchen. Here, it is just a wonderful memory.  I have the above picture framed and by my chair here in the apt and glance at it many times through the day. It not only brings back memories of the many times he talked about his trips up to the lake with his buddies over many years but it is also his final resting place. I look at the picture and remember how happy he was on this trip which was about 6 months before he died. It's the same lake where we scattered his ashes at his request. Here, I have "his presence". In Tucson, I have the "presence of his absence."  There is a big, big difference. Whether I like it or not, I have to rebuild my life without him and I need some fresh scenery to do it.