It was only four weeks ago today......

.....that our life was totally turned upside down and will never be the same again! I'm just in awe of how much can happen in such a short amount of time. I'm still trying to come to grips with the diagnosis while hearing the doctor say his guess is we only have 3-4 days left. He is quick to follow that with "sometimes the patients surprise me and last longer than I think they will." He was restless this morning when I came in and showed it by using his right arm to scratch is head, pick at his clothes, etc. The left side never moves since that is the side affected by the stroke. The doctor said he wasn't in pain but asked me if the restlessness bothered me, which it did, so they upped his med a bit and that calmed him down. His breathing is more rapid than yesterday and he has some short periods of not breathing before the breathing continues. Mostly, he just lays there and peacefully sleeps. There isn't as much sound of congestion in the lungs today as there was yesterday so that med is working.The kidney still seems to be working o.k. He has lost almost of his hair by now. The beard got very thin so they shaved some off yesterday when he got his bath. Now he has a goatee and mustache which doesn't look that bad. I spent some time this morning with the bereavement counselor this morning which I needed. My brain (the right thing to do) and heart (emotions) are definitely not in sync. I know I shouldn't feel guilty when I leave here but I do. I know I can't "fix" this but I want to try. I know I shouldn't feel guilty when I go out to a nice lunch with a friend but I still do. I know I need to get organized on what will need to be done but feel guilty when I start to work on the lists. I am simply not used to not being able to control my emotions! I don't like this "not being in control" and I'm simply not used to that feeling. But....one day at a time...