The Next Chapter

We moved Larry to hospice late this afternoon. The docs told me again this morning that it was the best solution so I asked to talk to the hospice people. The admissions nurse came to the hospital, went over everything and I signed the papers. In my mind, I knew it was the right thing to do but emotionally, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I think part of the reason was that in doing so, I was admitting that the disease was winning. I still haven't gotten used to the diagnosis let alone being ready to put him in hospice! I talked to Jennifer earlier in the morning and she supported the decision. Georgia, Larry's sister, arrived at the hospital while I was meeting with the hospice nurse so she was able to listen to the program and support me when it came time to sign the papers. Many, many, many tears were shed today. Larry was actually a little more alert at times today so I could talk to him about stopping meds that were not going to change anything and that we would focus on keeping him pain free which is his wish. Still it was so hard! We will keep him on a med to prevent seizures which can occur from the tumors in the brain and one to slow the kidney rejection.All other medication is stopped except for the pain meds. His kidney doc feels that the cancer will get him before kidney failure will. The hospice facility is very nice and homey. The whole focus is to keep him comfortable while nature takes it's course and he is allowed to die naturally but pain free and comfortable. Isn't that what we all want? The hospice place also puts a lot of emphasis on supporting the family and making sure their needs are met. I don't know how many days we will be on this next phase of the trip but all I can do is to make sure Larry isn't in pain, I take care of myself so I can look after him and treasure the wonderful 12 years of our memories when the sky is the darkest. One day at a time...