Ms. Fix-It

Even though I had been pretty self sufficient for 15 years before Larry, he was not convinced I could "fix stuff" after we got together. Mainly, because he was an absolute perfectionist and to me if it was good enough and worked, then my perfectionist streak never came out. However, I would spend hours on a document on the computer until it was perfect - I was just a perfectionist in different things than he was. I can't imagine using a 1/2" brush to do the top of a wall where it meets the ceiling just to make sure the line between wall and ceiling was perfect like he did but that was why I wasn't allowed to paint walls. Which didn't bother me at all.... 8-) Anyway, time ran out on him getting a drip line extended in the back yard to the last 2 containers. So I either had to do it, water by hand or pay someone to do it. I refuse to be one of those widows who is helpless so I tackled the task and it worked when I was done. In doing so, I discovered that Mr. Perfectionist kept all his irrigation drip line, connectors, heads, etc loose in a large shoe box. So, first thing I did was organize the shoe box and put things in little baggies... Interesting how what is important to one person doesn't matter to another. My next chore, after the wind dies down in a few days, is to blow off the back patio to get all the leaves from the winter off it. In the desert, you also have to periodically blow off the rocks in the yard to get leaves, little twigs, etc off it so that will need to be done at the same time. I've never used a leaf blower before but figure it can't be that hard. But first, I went to Lowe's and got a reel to put the extension cords on so they are nice and neat. Larry could coil them up really good just using his arm, like many guys can, but I would just end up with a big mess of tangled cords. It's all just part of adjusting to not having him around to do the stuff he did.

It was 3 months ago today that he passed on. I don't know if it gets easier or you just learn to deal with things better. But we're still taking it One Day at a Time....

His CAT

Isn't this just the most adorable, innocent looking kitty cat you ever saw? Well......among other things I took for granted when Larry was with me, was how much time and energy he gave his 4-legged buddy! Admittedly, I have never had children and don't really know what a 3 year old is like but Morris is what I imagine it would be like living with one. He wants to be fed when HE wants to be fed - not when it's convenient for others. He wants attention and petting when HE wants it - no matter if I'm doing some important work on the computer, paying bills, etc. He comes over to my desk and demands I pet him - rubbing against my hand if I try ignoring. Did you ever try to sign your name when a cat is rubbing against your hand? Or, he just simply lays down across the desk covering up whatever I'm working on. If I should forget to open the window in front of "his" desk, he stands in front of the window and meows until I open it - then he's happy..... And we all know about the "tuna stare" - that is perfected. By noon I'm wishing he would just go someplace and take a nap. like most cats do, but that usually doesn't happen until about 2 p.m. and then he wakes up around 5 p.m. The only concession Morris has made is that when we get up in the morning, he let's me shower and dress before he has to have breakfast. He sits just outside the bedroom door so he doesn't miss me when I come out heading for the kitchen. Larry was always setting at the desk while Morris was on it and would periodically pet him and give Morris attention. They would go in the kitchen and watch some CNBC - all the time Larry petting and feeding him. I just never noticed how much attention he gave Morris - it was just a typical day. Some days they would go lay down on the bed and take a nap together - Larry on his side of the bed under a blanket and Morris on my side of the bed. But......I have now inherited Larry's little buddy and Morris probably thinks I'm a poor substitute but together we take it One Day at a Time...

Odds & Ends

Instead of one topic running through my brain lately like it has in the past, there have been several threads of thoughts so here goes....
I'm back to walking in the morning which is a hard habit for me to maintain. Exercise is just not my thing! But, it's good for me, clears the cobwebs out of the brain and keeps the doctor off my back. It isn't bad if I have a destination so one direction is a restaurant 2 miles away that I can have breakfast at and the other direction, same distance, is the Starbucks. I can't use not having a destination as an excuse... Yesterday I was walking back from Starbucks and listening to a play list that Larry did of his favorites on the iPod. Several weeks ago, I would have cried the whole time. This time, there was sadness and tears in the eyes at certain songs but not crying. Some would call that healing... I do do a lot of thinking about him while I'm walking since that was a good time for us. We didn't use the iPods when walking but talked - whether 1 mile or 4 miles. Besides planing things to do, we solved the world problems, etc. Now, it's the iPod for company and just not the same.
My shrink called in sick yesterday. Thank goodness I wasn't having a crisis... 8-)
Sunday's have evolved into being the hardest day for me. I couldn't figure out why until talking to a friend about it on Monday. For years, Larry did the laundry on Friday and filled out pill boxes on Sunday morning. Sunday is kinda my day to stay home with Morris because I feel guilty for having been gone a lot during the week. So..I do both the laundry and pill boxes on Sunday morning and those things always remind me so much of Larry and thus I miss him when I'm doing them so it gets me into a "down" mood for the rest of the day. I think this week, I will plan something to do either in the morning or afternoon like I do during the week and see if that helps. Then Morris can have the rest of the day. Guess it's all part of figuring out how to take it One Day at a Time....

Alone or Lonely....

At one time, before Larry moved in with me, I had been by myself for 13 years and was really good at being "alone" but not "lonely" but those days are just a memory. What I feel now is just plain loneliness - like part of me is missing. In the old days, I had gotten out of a bad marriage, I lived in a place I enjoyed, I was working 9 hours a day at a job I loved. The job made a hugh difference because I felt needed, had things to occupy my mind, etc. Now I feel kinda like I'm just floating along waiting for something to happen to get my life back on track again. The only time I have recently felt like I "had it together" was when I was in class or doing homework. I read an article today that talked about a hugh hole in a person's life when they loose someone. Then they have to reweave the the fabric back together to replace the hole. Deep down, I know I'm doing pretty good - all things considered. But then if that is the case, why do I feel so lousy at times... It was 12 weeks ago last night that I lost Larry which isn't very long in the overall scheme of greiving and healing. But it sure feels like a long time that I have been like this and I'm tired of it... 8-) I know, I know, I'm getting impatient again and that got me in trouble a few weeks ago. However, it is SO hard to just float along and take it "One Day At A Time".

This 'n That

I seem to always be busy and have a list of things around the house to do - far busier than I was with Larry.  I couldn't figure out what the difference was until a lady at the support group last week solved the puzzle for me. She was talking about a friend who called and asked what she was doing to "keep busy" whick was an innocent question but kinda ticked the new widow off. She told the caller that there was a lot of things to keep busy with but she let us know how she really would have liked to answer the question.  As she said, she not only does what she normally did but now has to do a lot of the things that her husband did as well.  It was an "ah ha" moment for me and I know now why I'm so busy.  I not only do all the things I used to do but now have to spray weeds in the yard, do the laundry which he always did, spot mop those @#$%^&* white floor tiles in the kitchen, deal with things around the house that need fixed, give attention to Morris and he does require quite a bit of attention, take trash out, etc.  No wonder I'm so busy! But at least I know why now...

Today I went over to the insurance company to renew the car insurance, take Larry's name off the policy, make me the sole driver, etc. I should know by now that these things are not as simple to accomplish as they would seem to be.  The policy was in Larry's name with me as a driver.  Well, I can't cancel the policy without giving them a copy of the death certificate and the letter from the court in which I am the "court appointed personal representative" which I will have to go back and do on Monday. I'm just going to put a copy of those documents in the car and leave them for when they are needed.  I had to take out a new policy since we weren't married. Things just aren't simple.......

I didn't go to the kidney support group last night and feel a little guilty.  But...I was tired and just wanted to stay home after the emotional Tuesday evening at the Memorial Service.  I'm also playing hooky from the Hospice Support Group tomorrow afternoon and going out for a late lunch with friends instead.  Shame on me but I just need a break.  Sometimes the one-on-one is much better anyway and I'm still seeing her every Monday. She has really helped me with tools to take it One Day At a Time through this whole process.

Poem read at the Memorial Service last night.

Memorial Service at Peppi's House

Every 3 months, Peppi's House has a Memorial Service for everyone who has passed away during their care for the previous 3 months. It includes both in-house patients and those who were at home but under Peppi's Hospice care. The service was last night and Larry was included. It was very, very emotional and I was very glad to have 2 friends with me. The highlight of the service is that the family goes up and lights a candle when their loved ones name is called. There is a large screen showing nature pictures and the name and date of death is on the picture.  The pictures were beautiful and included beach, mountains, desert, flowers, birds, etc.  Larry's was a stream's waterfall that looked like it was in the Midwest. You take the lighted candle back to your seat with you. Then when everyone is done, they ask you to day the loved one's name and blow out the candle. Wow!  Tears flowed for everyone...  There was a great sense for me of "letting go" and I'm not sure how it was different from other things I've been through the last 11 weeks but it was different - question for the counselor next week. It was a beautiful service and I'm thankful for being able to participate in it. As painful as things like this are, it's part of healing and is helping me move on and come to terms with everything that has happened.  One Day At A Time..

Dear Larry,

Hi sweetheart! I made it through another week and it wasn't too bad this week. Some people say that "time heals" and other experts say "we just get used to it". I think it is the latter... It was a busy week but then those are easier. However, I've learned to not schedule them too full and leave some time for home stuff. Monday I was home all day which is the first time I haven't gotten out of the house during the day since you have been gone. I was busy on some HOA stuff and the day just got away from me. But...Morris was sure happy to have me home all day!

Speaking of Morris...yesterday was his vet appointment to get his annual shots. I'm sure you laughed your head off watching me try to get him in his carrier by myself. All four of those long legs were going different direction. I would get them all in and then a foot or his head would get out the door while I was trying to zip the door closed. It was an experience! My new challenge is trying to put eye drops in one eye that is runny. He doesn't scratch, he just squirms. The vet says to stop the tuna and go to cat food with tuna because the regular tuna doesn't have vitamines, etc in it. Morris and I had a talk and agreed to ignore the doc as long as he keeps eating his dry food. Neither he nor I like the canned cat food - thank goodness...

I drove up to Casa Grande today to do some shopping. I could have gone to the same stores here in Tucson but I just really needed to get out and drive..... I put your CD of 70's rock on, cranked the volume up and just drove. It was so good to do that and I felt better when I got back home. Other than going down to Tubac for my birthday, today was the first time I have been out of town since we went to Prescott in early October.

Peppie's House is having their quarterly Memorial Service on Tuesday evening for all patients who passed away in their hospice program during the previous 3 months. I'm stocking up on kleenex to take with me because I'm sure it will be very emotional. Families are encouraged to bring a picture of their loved one and they all go on a table. Then as part of the service, we go up and light a candle for the loved one. A couple of friends are going with me. My big decision is which picture of you to take. Stick close to me sweetheart and help me take it One Day At A Time.

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart! I wanted to give you an update on your little buddy this week.... Remember how we would knock off in the office a little before 5:30 p.m. and go into the living room, sit down in our chairs and let Brian tell us what has been happening in the world the last 24 hours? Well, your little buddy is keeping up the tradition... We're usually in the office in the afternoon and I'm on the computer but still start closing down around 5. He trots along behind me when I leave the office and follows me into the living room. I set down in my chair and he hops up into your chair. However, he usually goes to sleep within a few minutes of getting in the chair and sometimes sleeps through dinner. He is quite a little buddy! I don't know how I would have made it through the last few months without his company and companionship. It also makes up for having to smell the tuna several times a day..... I'm finding myself talking to him more which makes me feel pretty silly. And yes, he answers but I don't know what he is saying - we still haven't got the translation worked out yet. Since I was gone a lot this week and he was not happy about that, so I took him out for what I thought would be a long walk today. However, after the usual roll in the driveway and some nibbles on grass, he just set down and looked around which was pretty boring for me.

As you know, I have some pictures of you on the computer in my desktop picture file. So, sometimes there is a picture of you on the desktop when I turn the computer on or go back to the desktop after closing a program. It's always a shock when I see the the picture but that only lasts for a few seconds. Then I start thinking about the picture, where it was taken and the good memories associated with the picture. Those good memories are what help me take it One Day At A Time without you.

Donor Wall at Peppi's House

On the east side of Peppi's House is a Labyrinth & Centering Garden for staff and patient families. It was built as a peaceful place to provide an opportunity for reflection, meditation, stress reduction and community. I was told about it being there but never went out there to see it during the time Larry was a patient there. However, I would see the families of other patients and staff walking around the paths. My counselor dragged me out there a few weeks ago and explained all the significance of the labyrinth and the wall.

Within the large stones that make up the paths, there are small stones. A small stone is added for every patient that passes away during their care - either at home or as an in-patient. On the wall by the labyrinth is this wall made of ceramic tiles. It takes up the hole side of the building so is probably at least 20' high. Families can work with the TMC Foundation to add tiles to the wall in memory of loved ones. The tiles are made by a local tile company and are all hand made. I am currently working with them to add a small design in Larry's memory with his name on it. To me, it will be kinda of a 'tombstone" since he was cremated and his ashes will not be in a cemetery, etc. And when I move from the area, if I do, there will still be a part of him here. Even though we got tired of the desert, we had some great time here in the area and had no regrets moving here. The blue wavy tiles represent a river. A poem, written by the Hospice Chaplin, is written on the tiles- from left to right. The poem is below..

Stones In The River
We remember these lives as stones in a river, carried with the currents of life, The journey sometimes polishing, sometimes roughing the edges, came to an end in our care. And we now remember our time in the river with them. These lives now lay at rest as stones that have found their way into the riverbed, still part of our landscape as we continue our journey down the river.

Decision, kinda

After my wake-up call on Monday, I'm now trying really hard to remember that I don't have to make a decision about where I may move to in the future. I just can't deal with that right now. I probably will move somewhere where it is green and there are 4 seasons. And who knows, I might stay here and become a snowbird but I don't think the odds are too high for that happening. Yes, you can't beat the winters here in the desert but it is still brown and that is part of what we were so tired of. Until then, I need to focus on getting through this emotional storm that I've been going through since Nov 18th, 2011. I'm also making a conscious effort to eat better. I do really good at breakfast, fair at lunch but was doing terrible at dinner unless I went out with friends. Part of it was that the effort to fix dinner wasn't worth it and the other part was due to my stomach bothering me. But....I know that toast for dinner doesn't cut it. 8-) Today was the 2nd session of the Journal Writing class I'm taking. At this point, I'm very disappointed in the class and am glad that there are only 3 classes left. I'll probably skip the last 2 classes. In my opinion, what we're getting in class doesn't follow the description of the class. But....you never know what you'll get when you sign up for this type of class. Some are good and some just don't cut it. I've learned a few things but not enough to offset the hours when I didn't learn anything. I have a couple of really, really busy days starting tomorrow after which Morris is going to be so mad at me! I'll have to make it up to him this weekend by letting him take me on an extra long walk... It is so funny to watch him on the leash - you can just see his brain trying to figure it all out and take it all in. So....One Day At A Time does it!

I was setting evaluating myself......

....and decided to lay down. I keep reading/hearing that the grief after losing a spouse to death is unlike anything a person will ever go through in their life. I'm finally starting to believe it! The whole process is especially hard for someone with my personality who looks at a situation, puts it in perspective, decides what needs to be done, makes a plan to get it done and executes the plan. Well that isn't working... All I'm doing is stressing myself out with stomach problems because it won't fit in my little squares. The grief isn't a linear process. How many times has my counselor told me that but I keep trying to make it so. Today may be a good day and I think I'm making progress. Then tomorrow may feel like I'm back at day 1. I've experienced the mental symptoms of stress/grief and now some physical are starting up so I know it is time to step back and just "float" like she keep telling me to do. Me...I want to get those decisions made! Maybe not act on them but get them made. I want to know where I will be living 2 years from now and how my days will be filled. I want the "to do" list all checked off at the end of the day. That's my personality and right now it is my worst enemy.. For one thing, my "diminished capacity" ( I love that....) renders me incapable of doing analysis for making decisions like that. I just can't sort it all out.. I can't decide between A & B. I KNOW that a move is not an action I should do for a year or so but I just want the decision made on where it will be to... 8-) After all, I'm one who will read the last page of a mystery to see how it ends... My brain may say "One Day At A Time" but my personality is having a really hard time with that concept...

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart! It's Sunday again... It may not make sense but the days of the week go by pretty fast but the weeks go by very slowly... It seems like you have been gone much longer than 9 weeks.. They say "time heals". Well it certainly isn't healing very fast... I miss you as much today as I did 9 weeks ago.... Yesterday I took another financial class and that's the last one I'm signed up for. This one was on the Two Facets of Investing - Psychological and Mechanical. I leaned a lot but now I just have to start using what I learned by going through the stocks that we have. Not that I'm going to change things, I just want to understand who they are, performance, etc so I have a better idea when Susan calls and suggests selling or buying something. I started a 5 week "Journal Writing" class last Wednesday. It is kinda interesting but not as good as the photography classes. At this point, I don't know if I will make it the full 5 weeks or not but oh well..... Last Wednesday was my last HOA meeting as an officer! I know you thought I would let them talk me into staying on but I hung tight with our decision. The Match Play tournament starts tomorrow and I didn't get tickets this year. I know we have gone the last 4-5 years but it just wouldn't be the same without you there. And besides, I wouldn't have you there to recognize the players and tell me who I was taking a picture of. 8-) All the experts say I shouldn't make any moves or big decisions for at least a year but I can't help thinking about where I will eventually move to. Sometimes I think it will be the Sacramento area like we were planning to do, sometimes I think about Little Rock since we liked it there so much and they have 4 true seasons and sometimes I think about someplace near the ocean. Even if I didn't do anything for awhile, it would be nice to have something on look forward to but the decision is just too much for me right now. I can't even decide where Morris and I will go to spend part of the summer. One Day At a Time is about all I can manage for now...

Memories & the Calendar

"Memory writes on every page of the calendar". This is a quote from one of the many brochures I was given on grief, loss, etc. In the last 2 months, I have really come to realize how accurate the statement is. A birthday, how many weeks since he got sick or passed away, when we left for a trip, time to do taxes, time for a vet appt with Morris, - the list goes on and on. It seems like there are so many dates on the calendar that remind me of what won't ever be again. Some of them cause me to reach for a kleenex and sometimes it is just a very sad feeling for what won't be ever again. The major ones today were picking up his taxes from the accounting person and realizing that it is the last taxes to be filed in his name. Then I get home and in the mail is a post card from the dentist addressed to Larry reminding him that it is time for him to make an appt. About the time you think you have notified everyone, one like a card from the dentist comes along that you forgot to notify. Someone at the support group said today that "you don't get over it, you just move on" and I think that is probably true. I see/feel myself changing and being someone I don't know. The frequency and depth of my emotions are the hardest thing for me to deal with. My "to do" list sits undone when in the past things got checked off within a few days. Me, being me, wants it to all get sorted out NOW but I know it will take months and months - so they say. Meanwhile, I really try to take it One Day at a Time but sometimes it is sure temping to rush things...

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart! All in all, it was a pretty good week this week. I'm down to a few Kleenex per day instead of a half box per day. But all things considering, I think I' doing pretty good but I sure miss not having your companionship and company. But....that's life and I can't change it.. Morris is doing better and sticks pretty close to me like he used to with you. He is great company and I can't imagine going through this without him. As you know, he is a great talker and we have some long conversations - I just don't know if we are talking about the same things or not... 8-) He now thinks he should be taken for a walk every day so he can eat a little grass and roll around on the driveway. Of course some days, he just wants to roll in the dirt... I took a 4 hour class yesterday on "Dow Jones for Beginners" and will be doing another one next Saturday. It was pretty interesting and the teacher did a great job at making it simple - thank goodness! You know me and the stock market.... Susan has everything straightened out except for having it auto deposited and we're doing the paperwork for that. I sent her some flowers this week for all the time she has put in on getting everything done. I don't think she is anxious to do another Arizona beneficiary with all the extra steps that AZ required. I think I am just now really starting to realize how much the future is a blank canvas for me but for now - One Day At A Time...

Loneliness

The week has been pretty good except for one thing - loneliness when I'm not busy. The hardest times for me are when I have free time and trying to decide what to do. Do I want to work on my photography? Genealogy? Clean house? Go for a walk? I set and think of them all and can't decide what to do and there is no one here to toss ideas around with. Larry and I spent so much time together and always talked about what we were going to do, where to eat, etc and made the decisions together. He would be on his computer researching stocks or playing solitare and I would be on my computer, in the same room, working on genealogy or something else. But... out time was together and we had the companionship. He might be outside sitting in the sun and reading and I was on the computer but he was close by and I knew I could go outside where he was if I wanted to. I desperately miss not having anyone to talk things over with. I find myself talking to Morris and even though he answers, I haven't learned how to translate his answers into English yet. I'm o.k. when I'm out of the house or have things I need to get done at home. It's when I have done what I was going to do for the day and it's only 2 p.m. that loneliness sets in. Thank goodness that I don't have a problem with the evenings like a lot of people do! One Day At A Time...

Another day...

I just realized that I almost forgot to post to the blog today. So....maybe it's usefulness is running it's course and I won't be doing them every day - just when I feel I need to or have something to say. To me, it seems like I'm kinda saying a lot of the same things over and over - lonely days, doing o.k. considering what's happened, emotional roller coaster I'm on, etc. Many of the days now just seem to be a copy of the one before it. No, I'm not depressed or anything. It more that life is setteling into a pattern and I just take it One Day At A Time....

Another week begins...

Another week down and another one under way. I sure it goes better than yesterday did! I had a good week last week and just knew that this emotional roller coaster would have to go down again and yesterday was the day. I don't think it was anything specific that triggered it but it seem that every little thing brought tears to the surface - something said on TV, something I saw in the store, something in a book, etc. Thank goodness I had a new box of Girl Scout Cookies to help me get through the day! I considered staying in bed this morning but Morris kept walking back and forth across me letting me know that it was time to get up and feed him. But....today was better..8-) I know that a lot of the problem is that I'm home more and thus really feel the lack of Larry's companionship. I have open time and have decide what to do with that time - read, work on my pictures, do some genealogy, rearrange the garage, etc and I don't have him to discuss it with. The house is just plain lonely during the day without him! If I can make it until around 5:30 - 6 p.m. then I'm all right because then it is like another night on the road in a hotel. I had an appt with my counselor today and she doesn't have any magic suggestions either - "the process just takes time and you have to take it One Day At A Time".

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart! Here is a picture of your little buddy walking on the leash today. I take him out 2-3 times a week for a walk - actually as you know, he walks me.... He now sets in the entry until I put the leash on, I then open the screen door and he strolls down the sidewalk until he gets to the grassy area. However, today he turned right into the driveway first and rolled around awhile before hitting the grass. One of these days, when I'm feeling really patient, I'll take some treats and try to get him to go where I want him to go. He has started shadowing me like he did you. I'm glad that he has accepted me as a substitute but have new understanding of your frustration when he would get in the middle of your desk and lay down on the papers you were trying to work on. And this morning he wanted to help me fill my pill box.. The brokerage accounts are almost done - I know I've said that a couple of times but I think it is real this time. I'm going to send her some flowers for all the work she had done to get them straightened out. Arizona has some different laws so things had to be done differently that if we were in California. Yes, Facebook is going public and I told her last week that I wanted at least 1 share if the price wasn't too outlandish. She said she would add me to the list of clients who are wanting to get some. As you know, I went to the kidney support group last Wed. I said I would "attend when there was a topic of interest". However, I keep hearing you fuss about people who only come when there is a topic of interest and don't attend the other times so will probably go to them all for awhile. 8-) Last week was a really good week but today has been a bummer and not sure why. But.....One Day At A Time and tomorrow's another day...

Pieces of the "Me Puzzle"

The counselor talks about us putting our life back together after a major loss and likens it to a jigsaw puzzle. I've thought a lot about this and I see it happening in my daily life. We are made up of all the things we do - like a big jigsaw puzzle. We go to specific stores, buy certain things, go to bed at certain times, watch certain shows, eat at particular restaurants, eat, etc. What if you had the opportunity to change those pieces that make up "you" and choose pieces of the puzzle to make a new "you". How many things do we do because our mate wants to do them? What if they were not here? Would you still do the same things? Larry never especially liked going to Mimi's and I love their breakfast. I go there at least once-a-week now. We went to Jack-in-the-Box because he really liked them and I didn't especially but would go. Well, I have only been there once in the last 7 weeks. Larry started doing the laundry when I was still working and always did it on Fridays. I looked at that puzzle piece and it made sense so have keep doing the laundry on Fridays. I try really hard not to just automatically do things because we used to do it but consciously think "is this something I really want to do?" Some things I do and some things I don't. Like it or not, and I sure don't like it, but I have been forced into changing my life. I would love for it to be just the way it was but that isn't possible. So...One Day At A Time, I'm putting "me" back together.

TGIF

It was a good week but glad it's Friday even if it was a pretty good week. Don't know why I'm so glad it's Friday since the day's just flow together when you are retired - especially now. Guess it's a carry over from working when Friday was such a big day and the weekend was ahead with 2 days off work. Now...it's just 2 more days.... I heard something at the support group today that really made sense to me. A lady, around my age, commented that she and her husband had their life all planned out - what they were going to do, etc. Now that he is gone, she is not only grieving for him but also grieving for the life they won't have. I know exactly how she feels! We usually didn't plan more than a year in advance since we never knew between the liver and kidney if problems would arise. For 2012 we were going to take our long planned trip up the west coast and into Vancouver BC. Some time in the fall, we were planning to move to the San Francisco or Sacramento area. Now.....those dreams are all gone. Not to say I won't still do them at some time in the future but not in 2012. First I have to rebuild a new life that is just "me" and not "us". No doubt that part of my grief and the loss that I'm feeling is for the life we had/won't have - not just for the person. It is very hard to go through the process of putting the pieces of the puzzle together that will be the new "me". One Day At a Time....

Hope there are more days like this to come..

Morris on Larry's desk in front of the window where he used to spend so many hours every day while Larry was on the computer. He doesn't spend as much time there but is slowly spend more every day when I'm at my desk. And no, we don't live in a jail - those are security bars. 8-) I don't like them until we're away on trips and then they are really good to have. Probably 75% of the houses in our neighborhood have them.

Well...it was really, really, really hard to walk into the support group meeting room last night and take a seat by myself. However, it was good to see our friends there again and they made me feel very welcome. I got lots of hugs and "please keep coming to the meetings". And yes, there were a few tears on my part. I was reminded that I'm the only kidney donor in the meetings so I do have something to contribute which I really hadn't thought of in that way. I will probably attend some of the meeting again depending on the topic but not sure I will go to them all. It was also really hard to be back in the hospital! The memories came flooding back of the days spent there with Larry. Not just for the Nov/Dec hospitalization but in the past for the transplant, clinic visits, etc. It is just so good not to be dreading the days and to flow with One Day At A Time.

Dreading tonight

Today was another good day but I am really dreading tonight... Larry was very active in the liver transplant support group when he lived in Sacramento even before we got together. When we moved back there in 2003, we both became active in it. When we moved down here to Tucson in 2005, one of the first things we did was find the local transplant support group and in this case it was kidney. We went to every single meeting for the last 5.5 years (they meet monthly except for 2 months in the summer) except 3-4 times when we were out of town on trips. We went even when we were not interested in the speaker because we felt we should support the group. The Nov meeting was the last one we attended and I haven't been back since he passed away. But...I need some closure on it and feel a need to go back to thank the people and to attend one more time. I doubt if I will continue to go since I really don't have much to contribute or say. Unfortunately there isn't a group for donors... Anything I would contribute now would be based on his past experiences and that doesn't have as much credibility. It will be extremely hard to walk in there without him tonight but it's something I need to do. Then tomorrow, we get back to One Day At A Time...

Another good day!

It dawned on me this morning that the reason I'm having "good days" this week is that I'm not dreading stuff. The brokerage accounts are mostly cleared up and I'm not getting daily UPS pkgs with papers to sign and send back. Bank accounts are done - I think... Still have some things to put into my name only but there isn't any pressure on those. The life insurance check is deposited. That was a biggy until a friend said "look at it as Larry's gift to you" which make it easier to deal with when I looked at it that way which is the way he would want me to look at it - not with guilt and sadness. Those were all things that keep weighing me down and I couldn't get past them since they kept coming up again and again almost every day. I'm dreading going to the Kidney Support Group tomorrow night but that is only 1 thing - not 1 of many to dread. Being able to fill up the day is becoming a priority now in putting the puzzle pieces of my life back together. From about 8 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. is the hardest. It isn't that I don't have things to do that I enjoy, it's just hard to focus on them and decide which ones to do. They are mostly things on the computer which makes me miss Larry who was always in the office a lot during the day with me. Today, I set down and read for awhile because I couldn't decided what I wanted to do. Morris curled up in Larry's recliner next to mine while I was reading. I definitely feeling the loneliness more now that things aren't so hectic and I'm home more. I know....One Day At A Time...

Good day!

You have no idea how nice it is to be able to say "it was a good day"! To me a good day is when I feel like I am getting life back together, sad but not depressed, able to do some things with interest and enthusiasm and look forward to tomorrow. The counselor kinda put in perspective for me today. She talked about how I have all these pieces of a puzzle that is my life both past (life with Larry), present and future. I have to sort through them and decide what I want my new life to look like. I'll keep some of the past pieces and discard some of them. I may decide to eat dinner at 5 pm instead of 6:30 as an example. It will be a long process that won't happen overnight. Sometimes I may tear part of the puzzle up and start over if I don't like it. Frankly, I would prefer it be the way it was but that isn't going to happen! And I will build it One Day At A Time...

A First....

You are probably looking at this picture and wondering what's the big deal - it's a cat laying on a paper covered desk. The big deal is that it's my desk and this is the FIRST time that Morris has ever laid on my desk in the 4+ years we have had him. From the time we went to the shelter to get a cat and Morris came over to Larry, he was Larry's cat and I was just a lowly servant who cleaned the litter box and provided legs for him to sleep on at night so he could get my body heat. Morris rarely set on my lap and ignored me in the office. Yet, he would follow Larry around all day and they were usually in the same room. Larry spent a lot of time on the computer checking stocks, playing card games, etc and Morris was right with him - either setting on his desk and looking out the window or stretched out on Larry's desk. It was so interesting to see the bond between them since Larry had NEVER had a cat before or even had one in the home. There was no doubt that Morris was grieving for his buddy and missed him terribly. But he is learning to adjust as I am. It looks like I've passed the test and will do as a substitute......Maybe those extra servings of tuna helped... As I have said before, Morris is returning to the window and comes over to my desk several times a day for attention and an ear rub. He's making progress! I'm optimistic that this week is going to be better than the last 2 weeks and sure hope I'm not disappointed! At least the last 2 days have been better but it's One Day At A Time...

A better day..

In books written about grief, a lot is written about the "first year around the calendar" - other wise known as the first Christmas after the loved one has died, the first birthday, the first anniversary, etc. It may have only been 6 weeks since Larry died but since then I have gone through Christmas, New Years, my birthday, the day we celebrated as our anniversay and now his birthday. I've got 6 months before the next big one which will be the trip to northern California to see family. The trip to Missouri in April will be tough but I have been there many times without him so I don't think it will be quite as bad. It is hard to get through these "firsts" but it is just something that has to be done. I went back to the original support group yesterday and it was a very different experience that the first time so will probably keep going for awhile. I was thinking today that it doesn't bother me to go out to lunch, be by myself at night, etc. I think it is because I did that so much during the years when I was traveling. I know to take a magazine or something to do when eating out by myself. If I forget to take something, I play with the iphone.. 8-) Evenings are spent watching TV and/or reading just like they were all those nights in a hotel by myself. Never thought I would be glad for all those days and nights I spent on the road..... I wouldn't exactly say that I am looking forward to next week but I'm not dreading it like I did going into this week. Progress? But it's still One Day At A Time...

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

I really, really missed you today... I have thought a lot the last few weeks about what to do for your birthday. I decided to take a bag of sunflower seeds and go out to our favorite picnic table at Saguaro Natl Park East. The plan was to feed the ground squirrels for you like you had so much fun doing. But first, I couldn't find your bag of seeds and peanuts so had to go to the store and get a new bag. I also picked up a diet coke and a big croissant. Then I had to get a new Parks Pass, once I got there, because the one we had was in your name. Remember how the last time we sat there for about an hour and not a single critter came for breakfast? Well, today, I put the seeds on the boulder and it wasn't 2 minutes until this little guy showed up. He ate and ate, took a break and came back to eat some more. While he was eating, I took pictures and ate the croissant remembering all those croissants we ate in Little Rock at the farmer's market. I left after about an hour but made sure there was still food there for any more of your little friends that might come by. Then I met a couple of the girls for lunch. I wanted to do things today that we might do if you were here and going to the park and having lunch seemed to fit the bill..... By the way, neighbors and the boys have noticed that Morris is now spending more time on your desk at the window looking out. He certainly is getting me trained! Both Morris and I are taking it One Day At A Time...

Another day....

Errands this morning got me out of the house plus I went to the mall for awhile. Out of the house = better day.. 8-) This afternoon I did some Internet surfing to figure out what to do in So. Calif when I go over there at the end of March for a few days to "just get away". A friend is going to Palm Springs so I'm going to drop her off there and go on over to the coast. I'm trying to find a hotel on the beach where I can sit on the balcony and watch the waves come in. Peaceful... Plus walk on the beach, etc. Going out to dinner tonight with the Widow's Club which has grown to 4 - all on my short street who have all lost their husbands. I tried the different support group last night and have mixed feeling about it... The age of the people there was nearer my age and some were even younger. However, the meeting runs far too long and the leader has a very different approach than the other one has. I'm thinking about sticking with the one-on-one and dinners with my neighbors... I think I'll give the first group that I attended another chance and see if I like it any better than I did the first time. I'm a big believer in support groups but it has to be the right mix. Tomorrow is Larry's Birthday and not looking forward to it..... But...One Day At A Time...

At least it's Wednesday...

Spent most of the day at home today and found it to be totally depressing! Went for a walk with a friend up to a restaurant for lunch which was about 2 miles round trip and that was a good outing..... It is so much easier when I'm gone during the day but I know that isn't the solution. A different support group meets tonight and I have been trying to decide whether or not to go. I wouldn't hesitate if it was during the day but I'm just not crazy about driving at night with my cataract eyes... 8-) However, considering how I have been feeling the last couple of days it would probably be good for me to go. I got a check for Larry's life insurance in the mail today and that sure didn't help my already down mood.... I'm ready for tomorrow! One Day At A Time and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Decisions....

Here is the "Morris Tuna Stare" made even more intense by the "cat's green eye" that camera flash causes. Now I ask you...how long could you resist this stare? Never a sound, no movement, just the stare. It doesn't matter that he already has 2 dishes with food in them - none of them contain tuna. He wears me down, gets his tuna, licks the plate clean and then goes off to take a nap - mission accomplished!

I made my plane reservations today for a trip to visit family in Missouri during April. This task has been on my "to do list" for a couple of weeks and I kept putting it off. Today I finally make the plane reservations. Later it dawned on me that what is so hard about doing trip planning now is that I don't have anyone to talk it over with - specifically my traveling buddy Larry. We would spend days/weeks planning a trip, looking at various flights, what to do, etc. There is almost a mental paralysis at having to make all those decisions by myself. I can sure tell that I am more "sad and down" on days that I spend most of the time at home. It may not be healthy, but it is sure easier to be gone during the day! Until I get the balance figured out....One Day At A Time...

Week is off to a better start...

Today was a much better day than Sat and Sunday were! The weather was dreary and overcase which is the way I felt. I can't seem to find the balance between staying home and taking it easy and being on the go during the days. 8-) It seem to be that just staying in the house too much of the time gets to me but I'm sure that will get better in time. I was ready for my photography class this morning and that was such an uplifting thing to do. Besides the class being on something I enjoy, it gets my mind off negative stuff and makes me think positive about pictures I want to do, pics I have already taken but want to try different editing on, new books I want to do, etc. For awhile - life is fun again. I think the classes are going to be what get me through the next few months. This is the last photo class but I start the Journal Class on Feb 15th. In the meantime, I have made a list of some photo stuff I want to do. Plus there are a couple of Photography Exhibits around town that I want to go see. Watching TV or reading isn't enough for me - I need to do something where I can see the results.

A thought crossed my mind this morning and I'm not sure where it came from. However, you hear people refer to a loved one who passed away and they say "part of me died with them". Well, it hit me that in my case it really did and it was the kidney I gave Larry on May 20, 2008. So a part of me did die with him... We got a few healthy years for him since the transplant in which we made some really wonderful memories that now help me get through One Day At A Time...

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart.... I sure missed you today when it was time to do my homework for tomorrow's class! You were always so good at helping me choose which ones to submit. YOUR CAT is no help - all he wants to do is walk on the printed copy... Speaking of YOUR CAT, he set a new record this week when he demanded 3rds on Tuna for breakfast - forget stopping at 2nds... However, I can't imagine being in the house without Morris since you are gone. He is so much company and he is a breathing something to talk to. As you know, sometimes he answers and sometimes he doesn't but at least he listens. Tears have been close to the surface today and not sure why... Maybe because next Friday is your birthday and I'm trying to figure out what to do for it. I'm leaning towards going out to Saguaro Park in the morning and feeding some of the critters for you.... Then I'm having lunch with a couple of the girls. In some ways, your birthday is more emotional than my own birthday was. It's hard sometimes, but as we agreed, we'll take it One Day At A Time...

A functioning brain....

What a relief today to be able to set at my computer and do stuff without a foggy brain! I can't believe how much HOA stuff I got caught up on, emails sent out, spreadsheets done - and it didn't take me all day to do it. What a relief to have the thinking skills back even if it isn't all together there tomorrow - at least I know it isn't gone forever... 8-) I stayed home most of the day today with Morris who in return, spent most of the day in the office with me. We both appreciated each other's company.... Tomorrow is more paperwork but personal stuff instead of HOA stuff. I also have to finish my homework tomorrow for my class on Monday. Today I went back through lots of picture files pulling some pictures that I may submit. It was bittersweet! Looking at them brought back some good memories but it also made me realize that there won't be any more with Larry there - except in spirit. I'm still trying to really accept that but One Day At A Time...

T.G.I.F.

What difference does it make if it's Friday when you are retired? Well, in my case, it's because banks, agencies, etc are not open on weekends so I don't have to deal with estate stuff... However, I have a very long list of things to get done this weekend including sit in the recliner, watch some football and and be a bed for a cat who is very unhappy with me right now. I was gone a lot during the day this week and the two nights that I was gone really added fuel to the fire.... I know when he is upset with me because he ignores me, doesn't want any petting, etc - otherwise he pouts... Morris would do the same thing sometimes when we came home from trips. Today I received the 2nd packet from the broker this week with paperwork to sign and there is another one on the way. One generates another action so they can't all be done at the same time. I think we're getting close to getting it done - or at least I sure hope so! There is a wall in the kitchen where we always taped up Christmas cards and then took them down the day after Christmas. When we started getting "Get Well" cards back in November after Larry first went in the hospital , I put them up on the wall since it was good to see them when I walked in the door after 12 hrs at the hospital. Then after the diagnosis, they became "Thinking of You" cards sometimes addressed to me and sometimes to the both of us. Then came "Sympathy" cards with Christmas cards soon after. They all went up on the wall. I still get 2-3 "Thinking of You" cards a week and add them to the wall. As you can imagine, by now the wall space has grown to be quite large and is very full. Unlike me, I have not taken any of them down and look at them several times a day. Sometimes I just take in the whole wall and sometimes I look at a few specific cards and reread them. I mentioned this to the counselor the other day and her comment was that it "represents a journey that I'm still living." Interesting way of looking at it.... I just know that those cards help me make it One Day at a Time...

Better day..

Today was a much better day and I feel like I'm back on track but am subconsciously waiting for the next wave to hit and knock me down again. I went to the HOA meeting last night. Although I'm an officer, I sat in the back of the room and didn't participate. My mind isn't up to listening to everyone, participating and taking notes as the secretary - all at the same time. I have some work to do for the HOA and plan on working on it this weekend to test the old brain cells out and see how they are functioning. I'm hoping that by next month's meeting, I can be back to multi-tasking again like I used to be. Small errands today such as getting the car washed, buying cat litter, etc and then had lunch with a friend. Another friend and I walked up to Starbucks this afternoon which is a 2 mile round trip. 65 degrees and sunny so it was a nice walk. Tonight is dinner with the "Widow's Club" on the street and I have my list of questions ready for them... 8-) Morris isn't going to be happy with me for being gone so much today! I promised him I would stay home more tomorrow and this weekend. One Day At A Time...

Wham!

I thought I was doing pretty good, all things considered, until this morning. I was sitting in the lobby at Peppi's House waiting on the appointment with my counselor. I see an ambulance pull up in front and they bring in a new patient. She was in about the same condition as Larry was when he was admitted there. Well......the tears were unstoppable! The pain I felt was more intense than any I have felt in several days. I don't know if it was for me or for what I knew awaited another family. The counselor likened grief to walking along the beach. A big wave come ashore, hits you and knocks you down. You finally get up and start walking some more when another wave comes along and the same thing happens. Eventually, the waves still hit you but you don't fall down and are able to keep standing although you still feel them and they still hurt. Makes sense to me and that is exactly how I feel at times. Needless to say, they are still knocking me flat.... Another thing we talked about is "the cobwebs in my brain, the feeling that my brain is running on 2 of 6 cylinders," etc. She explained it as diminished capacity due to the subconscious being totally focused on what has happened and the conscious being weaker than usual. Kinda like early dementia... It is such a weird feeling for me and totally unlike anything I have ever experienced before in my life. I have to really focus sometimes when doing something that previously was just automatic for me. My multi-tasking skills, that used to be really good, have gone out the window for now. Anyway, I don't like it and will be glad when my brain gets back in sync with itself. Anyway...it was back to a pocket full of Kleenex and peanut clusters today but One Day At A Time..

Another pretty good day..

I kept forgetting to post this picture. It was taken before the Memorial Service on Jan 7th. L-Right back row: Me, Steve (Jennifer's husband), Jennifer (Larry's daughter), Georgia (Larry's sister) and in the front row is Shane and Shelby the grandchildren.

I know these good days aren't going to last so am wondering when I will bottom out again..... Nothing like being optimistic... I went up to the attorneys today and picked up the paperwork from the probate court. Then I played phone tag with the broker when I was trying to get the paperwork all done and sent back to her. I sure hope that what I got from the court is what good, old, Merrill Lynch needs... They seem to have their own requirements on paperwork as we found out on some previous paperwork for them. The paperwork is just so frustrating! The bank does things one way to change the account over and the credit union does it another way. I can't imagine what it will be like when I start working on the car and house to get them changed to my name only. I shudder to think what it will be like doing taxes for 2011 but that's next month. My counselor "called in sick" today so that appt was changed until tomorrow. Morris had to have 3 helpings of tuna this morning before he would stop the silent stare. He just sits behind his dish and stares at you - never making a sound. The brain won't let you ignore him so I give in to this cat I inherited. Maybe that's his trade off for having to listen to me..... After breakfast, he hops up in the rocking chair and takes a long, long nap. But...I can't imagine life right now without the furry critter..... Kinda funny - my days are improving and so are the days for Morris. He is becoming more of his old self. I guess we are both making progress One Day At A Time.

A pretty good day!

I started my series of classes today with the photo composition class. I think it was really good for me to do something and have something on my mind besides loosing Larry and dealing with the resulting paperwork. At least I feel much better this afternoon! I really missed coming home after the class and talking about the class with Larry like I used to do but Morris is now smarter now.... I think the photography may be the way I can somewhat get on with life. It's something I really enjoy and we enjoyed together. I can thoroughly loose myself in it - not only taking the pictures but editing them in the "Digital Darkroom", otherwise known as Photoshop. It's the first thing I have found that I can get excited about since the world started crashing down on us. Even in my darkest hours after loosing him, I could work on pictures and loose myself in them for awhile. On another topic....I have started getting advertisements in the mail from local retirement communities wanting me to come take a tour. 8-) I've starting thinking about my appt with the counselor tomorrow which causes me to reflect back on the week. It's all about....One Day At A Time.

Dear Larry,

Hi Sweetheart! Since you weren't here for my birthday, Toni, Linda, Nancy & Jane made sure that it was a good one and I wasn't alone. We went down to Tubac, did some shopping and then had lunch at the golf course. Here is a picture of the Pandora necklace "you gave me for my birthday".... 8-) I remember when you and I talked about starting a Pandora bracelet for me and decided not to because we knew I would want to fill it up quickly and that is very expensive. So...I did a necklace and plan to keep it with just the 5 charms. The one on the left says "Forever Together", next is your birthstone, then a pearl since we both liked them, next is my birthstone and it is finished off with your initial. In your absence, Nancy did a great job helping me choose which charms to get. There was a lot of changing them out and rearranging them before we got it right. I think you would like it!... Of course I also had to get a couple of the hammered pendants that we like.

The new catalog of classes from The Learning Curve came in the mail a couple of weeks ago and I decided to take some classes. Besides them being topics that interest me, they will get me out of the house and give me something different to think about. Tomorrow I start a couple of classes on Photo Composition from the person I took the Portrait class from. Next comes 6 weeks (3 hrs each week) of Journal Writing. I thought that might be interesting since I'm doing the blog. Then a couple of classes on doing art with Photoshop - or at least that's what I think it is about but is is about using Photoshop. I'm looking forward to them. I have also signed up for a couple of financial/stock market classes through Pima CC. Those are 1/2 day Saturday classes.

And then there is YOUR cat.... I changed brands of tuna and he and I both prefer Chicken of the Sea... I don't know why he likes it but I don't think it smells as bad so I like that. However, now YOUR cat is wanting tuna 3-4 times a day and insists on seconds if I don't give him enough the first time! He had you sooooooo trained and is well on his way to doing the same thing with me. As you know, he sits behind his dish and silently stares at you. After a while, you give in because you feel the "look". It's not like he is meowing and you can tell him to shut up - all he is doing is silently staring at you. I can imagine what his doctor is going to say when we see her for his annual check up next month! I can only hope he doesn't start gaining weight...

Well, Wednesday is the annual HOA meeting. I've been asked to stay on as secretary as you said would happen. However, I promised you I wouldn't do another year so have declined all requests. I've only agreed to keep Communications like we agreed on. So....life goes on One Day At A Time. Love, Darlene

4 Long Weeks

Today I feel blue, sad, lonely, tired, down, blah, etc! I haven't done much today except go to the bank to close out and move one of Larry's accounts over to me. I felt this way before that so it wasn't that. It was 4 weeks ago today since he left but I think it's more than just that. I think a lot of it is that I am just wore out and the last 2 months have caught up with me. It was 8 weeks ago yesterday that he went into the hospital for the first time and I have been on the go ever since. I spent most of the afternoon today in my recliner being a bed for Morris, watching some TV and reading - sometimes just sitting there with my eyes closed but not asleep. I'm sleeping good so that isn't it. I just feel tired to the bone... Don't plan on doing much tomorrow either unless I get some really strong bursts of energy. But....One Day At A Time..

It's been a good birthday....

I thought I had been doing pretty good the last couple of days until last night when the emotional roller coaster hit bottom before coming up again today. I was about ready to go to bed last night when I started thinking about Larry not being here to wish me "Happy Birthday" when I woke up this morning. Well, that started the tears which continued even after I went to bed. This morning I got up and soon after started hearing the chirps on my phone alerting me to text or facebook messages. The text msg was from Jennifer who was up early getting the kids off to school. The facebook messages were from family and friends who are in different time zones. To all of you - thanks for getting me through the early morning sadness. About 9:30, my friends showed up on my doorstep singing Happy Birthday. We loaded into cars and headed for Tubac where we did a good job supporting their economy. There is a particular jewelry store that Larry and I always went to and usually come home with something from there. Larry had really good taste in jewelry and would do a wonderful job picking out stuff for me. The clerk loved to see him coming.... 8-) Well today he wasn't with me and I really missed him. However, the girls were wonderful! I had decided that I would get another pendant in a style that I already have several. Actually I ended up getting 2 of the but don't tell.... I had decided that I was going to get something special "from Larry" which ended up being 5 Pandora charms on a Pandora necklace. One of them says "Together Forever". We went to the golf course for a leisurely lunch before heading home. Larry was in my thoughts a lot today since we have done this same trip so many times. But.....he wasn't there and I can't change that. In the meantime, the girls made sure I had a really good day and I am so grateful for them for their thoughtfulness. I asked Morris what he wanted to do this weekend and I guess he is still thinking about it because he hasn't given me a list yet.... One Day At A Time..

A so-so day....

I got a phone call from the mortuary yesterday that the "Thumbie" had come in and was ready for pickup. Here is a picture of it. I had ordered it when Georgia and I first went in to talk them before Larry passed away. So...they took his thumb print when they received the body, sent it to a company who made a wax casting of it and made it into a sterling silver pendant. It's his actual thumbprint. The stone is an amethyst which is his birthstone. I don't know how I will feel about wearing it but I really like it and am glad I have it.. On the back it says "Larry 1945 - 2011". I am really amazed at all the remembrance things they have.

I went to the bank today about the missing signature on the account. Apparently, the local bank transmits paperwork electronically to their paperwork center in South Dakota and it didn't get there. The banker here remembers us doing the paperwork but couldn't find her copy of it which was "transmitted" so was looking for it when I left. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! She pulled out a HUGH stack of transmissions from of a file cabinet drawer and was going through them when I left. Just about the time I think I have something taken care of, a problem crops up and I'm back to square one. I haven't even tackled the other account yet at the credit union. I can only hope it will go smoother but am not holding my breath. Tomorrow is the trip to Tubac, AZ for my birthday and then I need to start spending more time at home. Partly for King Morris and partly because I'm starting to feel that I'm planning stuff just so I don't have to be home with memories. It's a lot less emotional if I am out of the house and busy. I have a lot of things to do here at the house but have been putting them off so it's time to tackle them. One Day At a Time....

Not quite as good as yesterday...

It would be nice if all the days were emotionally as good as yesterday but I guess that is too much to hope for at this point.... I'm noticing more "sadness" instead of so many tears.... I went to a photography exhibit at the Tucson Museum of Art today that Larry and I had planned on going to but never made it. It was mostly candid photos of Rock & Roll Stars by pro photographers - mostly stars from the 70's. I kept thinking how much he would have enjoyed it and would have know almost all of them. I went with friends and then we went to a nearby cafe for lunch. This afternoon was another trip back to the attorneys to sign stacks of forms for the probate filing. Morris is getting pretty tired of me being gone so much every day this week so I promised him I would stay home most of the weekend. 8-) Being the Type A List Maker that I am, I am torn between wanting to get all this stuff done and checked off my list and realizing I should not rush into some things but take some time to decide what to do on some things. I thought one bank acct was taken care of and then I get a letter today saying there is a missing signature... Well, duh, it's because there is an attached death certificate.... So, back to the bank tomorrow. It's bad enough that my birthday is coming up later this week but I'm definitely going to have to plan something to do on his birthday that is later this month. However, in the meantime, One Day At A Time.

Not a bad day today....

Today was better than the last few - mainly because I was busy. I spent a lot of time today working on HOA stuff that I am getting ready to turn over to the new secretary - whoever that will be. That kept me focused and busy plus I could see that I was getting things done. A lot of the time, I just feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to get the paperwork done on Larry's estate. A big part of the problem is that my brain is only firing on 2 cylinders. I'll sure be glad when it gets back to running on all 8... 8-) I went out to dinner tonight with friends which was nice. Between leftovers from dinners last night and tonight, I have enough to last me through Friday. Cooking for two people is bad enough but cooking for 1 is just about impossible. I'm not sure how I am going to resolve that dilemma. Today was only a one-kleenex day which is about the best I have had but I'm sure in the next day or so, I will make up for it - at least that is how the emotional rollercoaster seems to be. But....One Day At A Time..

A better day...

Thank goodness that today was definitely better than yesterday as far as emotions go. Yesterday was tough. Today was a more typical roller coaster day for emotions. I'll be fine for awhile and then bam! I had an appt with my counselor this morning and that was very emotional since she was asking questions about how the Celebration of Life went and the time with the family. My favorite quote from her was actually a quote from the doctor at Peppi's House. She/He said "Grief is the most illogical state of mind you'll ever experience" which I totally agree with. I find that I can't do near as many things at one time as I used to. I feel like there are cob webs in my brain some times and I just can't quite focus. It's all really hard to deal with for a "type A, in-control person". Since I'm having so much trouble with my "empty calendar" compared to what it used to be, she suggested I write stuff on it that I wouldn't usually write on the calendar such as go to bank, go for a walk, etc so when I look at it, isn't isn't blank. I'm going to try it. I met with the attorney this afternoon to get the probate going. Until today, it was just a word to me since I didn't know much about it. Thank goodness there is just one account involved and everything else is o.k. I can't imagine what it would be like if everything was tied up in probate! I went out to dinner tonight with a couple of friends on our street who are also widows. Besides great food, it is really good to be able to ask questions, compare notes, etc with someone who has already been there. One lost her husband about 5 years ago and one last July. Morris was not happy that I was gone so much today! All in all....better today but One Day At a Time.

Dear Larry;

Hi Sweetheart.... Well, I made it through the Celebration of Life for you on Friday and it was one of the hardest things I have every done in my life. I could feel your presence there but all I had was your pictures to talk to. I think you would have liked it, and no one talked about you being the most patient person in the world... 8-) However, there were a lot of memories of you shared among the 25-30 people who were there. I finally got to meet Fred and John from Brown who came. Woodcutter Joe was there and I gave him the bottles of Prograf and Cellcept that you didn't use. Father Bill did a great job and it was hard to believe that you and he had never met by what he said. I talked about how we first met and how you would call me in Eugene if the truck load of pipe was 5 minutes late. Jennifer seemed to know just when I need a hug and some support. And then there was your buddy Morris.... He was so good! He made some new friends and visited with some friends he hadn't seen in awhile. And yes, he wandered through the middle of everything a few times when we were all sitting around listening to Father Bill. That afternoon after everyone was gone, Georgia, Jennifer, Steve and the kids went to the zoo to get out of the house and get some sunshine. You would so enjoy watching the lion cubs play... Yesterday we went to the Butterfly Exhibit in the morning and then out to the Desert Museum in the afternoon to see the Raptor Flight. By the way, I think the morning raptor flight is better than the afternoon one so you saw the best one. Everyone left this morning so Morris and I are in a very empty house! After Georgia backed out of the garage, I immediately closed the door and came back into the kitchen since I couldn't watch her drive away. I sat down at the kitchen table was looking at your picture when Morris jumped up on the table and started talking to me in cat speak. I'm sure his little squeaks were saying "don't worry;, we'll make it One Day at a Time." Love you..

Three weeks.....

I needed today! Jennifer and her family picked me and Georgia up this morning and first we went to breakfast. Then we headed over to the Botanical Gardens to visit the Butterfly Exhibit. Everyone was fascinated by the butterflies and being able to be so close to them. The butterflies especially liked Shane and he had one of the big ones on his hand for a long time. Georgia was their next favorite and she walked around the whole exhibit with one on the collar of her jacket. I got some incredible pictures! We walked through the gardens a bit and the kids got to see what desert plants looked like - especially the cactus. Then we drove out to the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum for the rest of the day. The fresh air, sunshine, seeing the family excited by the new things they were seeing was really good for me. At times I felt like Larry was somewhere else (working?) and would just couldn't be with us and at other times it was like his presence was right there with us. Several times I saw something and remembered us seeing it before when we were there and tears would well up. Overall I did pretty good today until about 8 p.m. when subconsciously I started watching the clock. The closer to 10 o'clock it gets, the tighter my stomach gets and the closer the tears are. It was easier last week when I was in bed and asleep at 10 o'clock. 8-) I miss him so much! Tomorrow we are meeting for breakfast and then everyone is leaving for home. Then...Morris and I will be on our own with some wonderful memories to keep us company... One day at a time...

I made it.....

Today ranks up there as one of the most difficult days I have had to get through in my life! When I woke up this morning, I so wanted to just stay in bed and pull the covers up over my head. But, I dragged myself out of bed, fed Morris his tuna and then got into the shower. Georgia and I met Jennifer & family at 8:30 a.m. for breakfast and them came back to the house to get the final touches done. Flowers and food arrived followed by friends, neighbors and past co-workers. About 25-28 people attended and everything went just perfect so I worried for nothing. 8-) However, it was just incredibly emotional and my tears seemed to always be right there ready to spill over. After everything was over, the food was eaten, people were done visiting and everyone left - we headed for the zoo. The sunshine, exercise and mindless entertainment was wonderful. I couldn't stay in the house... Then we went out to dinner and came home by way of the Dairy Queen.... I have a lot of things to put away tomorrow but first we are going out to breakfast and to the Desert Museum for the day. Part of me is not looking forward to the the next few weeks/months of trying to rebuild a life but the other part of me is so, so relieved that the day is over and things can move on. One Day At A Time...

Dreading tomorrow

I have very mixed feeling about tomorrow's Celebration of Life for Larry. It will be nice to have friends and family with me as we talk about his life and remember the person we knew and loved. On the other hand, it is going to be SO emotional for me! All the emotions will be brought to the surface again. It isn't like I'm not letting them naturally happen but as time goes on they just naturally are not so close to the surface. I have written before about the emotions being like a wound that scabs over and then the scab is torn off again tomorrow. I did pretty well today when we went to the funeral home to pick up the cremains - but Georgia ( Larry's sister) being with me really helped. Everything is ready for tomorrow and I just want to get it over with...... Today Georgia and I went to the Degrazia museum and it was nice to get out in the sunshine. Then we had lunch and ran some more errands. Georgia learned to do text msgs today so she stayed in touch as Jennifer and family is driving down today. Everyone leaves on Monday and then it will be just me and Morris. One day at a time....

Another day closer...

One bank acct changed over with no problems and one to go! Social Security could care less about things. They paid the Dec check via auto deposit and then took it back automatically - the gov't giveth and the gov't taketh..... So still gotta get that resolved but won't worry about it until next week. What should be so simple just isn't.... Georgia got here today and will be here until Sunday. Jennifer arrives tomorrow late afternoon or early evening. It is good to see them!!!! A friend is coming over later today and we are going to figure out where to set up the food, etc for after the Celebration of Life on Friday. I have these 18" templates cut out since that is the size of the trays. Also I have to figure out how to get 5-18" dia trays in the frig.... Thank goodness for a double wide frig with adjustable shelves but it is still going to be a challenge. However, with enough wine tonight, I'm sure we will figure out how it can be done. If it wasn't so warm we could just put them in the garage until we are ready to serve lunch. But no...it has to be 75 in January.... Tomorrow Georgia and I are going to do some fun things in the morning before we go to the mortuary to pick up the cremains. One day at a time...

Things just aren't simple.......

Larry thought everything was taken care of and it would be simple with the way his brokerage accounts were set up, the will, etc. However, little things are starting to creep up that is going to take time and an attorney to resolve. I HATE this kind of stuff! One account will just roll over to mine but the other acct will require the will going through probate - not what he thought or intended. The attorney says "no big deal" but it is just the time, attorney's fees and frustration. Then I get a letter from Social Security saying Larry's estate is owed funds for a few days but I have to fill out a form and since I am neither his spouse or child..... I fall under some unknown category that isn't on the form so now I get to deal with them. And I haven't even started on the house title, car title or his bank accounts. At least all those were jointly held so they SHOULD be easier but I wouldn't bet on it. Grrrrrrrrrrr On to other things.... I had an appt with the bereavement counselor today and I really like what she had to say. We talked a lot about grief being such an individual process and that there are no templates that say this step takes so long, the next step thing takes so long, etc - it isn't a linear process but is more of a roller coaster. An example was going to the zoo last Sunday which was "moving on" but yet I was experiencing grief while doing so. Good stuff.... I've commented that Morris doesn't spend as much time on Larry's desk as he did when Larry was at the desk... Today, I'm doing this on a laptop that is on Larry's desk and Morris has been on the desk the whole time. Interesting... I have a long list of stuff to do in the morning and then Georgia arrives around noon. Friday is creeping up and my stomach feels it getting closer but I am trying really hard, although sometimes unsuccessfully, to take it one day at a time..

An O.K. day

Another busy day... A little organizing took care of this morning - getting some HOA stuff ready to turn over to the new secretary, or at least working on a list of what I have to get ready, making some file folders for things of Larry's that I have to start working on next week now that I have the death certificates, etc. It was so warm out that I opened all the doors in the house which made Morris want to get outside. So.....I put his leash on him and he took me for a walk out in the front yard. I did finally open the envelope with the death certificates in it. It wasn't too much a shock since I had already reviewed the draft before it was submitted to the county. However, the embossed, stamped copy makes it pretty final. Father Bill came by this afternoon to talk about Friday's Memorial Service. We talked about the "agenda", what readings to use, what I say, speakers, etc. We had an interesting conversation on the "Spirit" that is within all of us even though we may not thinks of ourselves as Spiritual. He lives 3 doors from us and has been a priest for 49 years and although he is "retired", he still stays very busy in the church. Morris finally met someone who is allergic to cats so he had to keep his distance which was beyond his imagination so I finally put him in the office and shut the door. There are a lot of things on my list for tomorrow starting with an appt with the bereavement counselor. But for now...One Day At A Time...

Dear Larry,

Happy New Year Sweetheart..... Well 2012 certainly isn't going to be what we had planned for it to be! We were planning on moving to Sacramento this year and our big vacation was going to be the trip through the Northwest. The move is definitely out for now and while I still want to do the trip, I don't know when I will do it. Morris and I kept up our tradition last night and went to bed at the usual time. We were sound asleep at midnight and didn't hear any of the noise makers. We had a little chat last night, well actually it was kinda one-sided, and decided we would try to be asleep before 10 pm, which is when Peppie's house called 2 weeks ago, and that would make it easier on me. However, it was still hard and we missed you.. Since it is Sunday, that means it was "fill the pill box day" which is what I did right on schedule this morning after breakfast with Morris helping me like he helped you. I even ordered my own refill! It sure was nice of you to do all that for me all those years... 8-) I needed to get out of the house today so went to the zoo. It was really hard to do that by myself since that is something we enjoyed doing together but I took a pocket full of Kleenex and did it. The animals didn't seem to mind me watching them, taking pics and crying all at the same time. Fortunately there were not very many people there to see me. You would get such a kick out of the lion cub triplets! They are even cuter now than they were when we say them back in October. By the way, I have learned how to do text messages on the iPhone. 8-) Thanks for telling me to go get one. Tell Steve Jobs he did good with the iPhone! This week is going to be busy and emotional but somehow I will get through it! One day at a time.....